hope are crashed

wet wet day, but luckily i went to school in my rainy day slippers today. smart move right at the start of the day but things arent as good as what they seem.

i received the email that i had been waiting for the past few weeks but its contents wasnt exactly what i want to see. before that, i know my chances are low but i refuse to give up hoping. i remember i used to say not to hope because the disappointment will be great. this time round, i am just unwilling to give it up just like that. i have planned for this a few months ago. everything is hanging in the mid air, waiting patiently for the green signal. people around me, especially her is getting excited, and even i am starting to picture the scenes in my mind.

it angers me so much today when i saw the email that states my only 2 available options lef that i wanted to struggle someone very badly. withdrawal or transfer? seriously i will end up back to the starting point for both options and i hate it! i hate it when things turn out in the wrong way and it is not within my control to make it better.

all i know is i need to vent this frustrations out. if i kept everything to myself, one fine day i would explode. and seriously, venting the frustrations out made me felt much better. that's a typical extrovert. wth! anyway, all i can do now is to wait.

happy weekend

it is finally the mid term break! there is nothing that i should be happy about this break because this break is meant to be used for mugging purposes. it's okay, it's alright because i will never fail to find fun before the misery begins. had great fun with 2 different groups of friends over the weekend and i am loving every single of them. =)

on friday night, i went out with the nj frens and oh my god!! we had a FANTASTIC dinner that made goi fell in love with seafood once again. the mussels in white wine was simply heavenly. not forgetting my main course which found my long lost love for fish. obviously drinking was involved but i din drink much due to cash constraints. damn! why is drinking such an expensive hobby?!

last night kns went out in full strength except for FAT! nevertheless we still think of her that night? mh, must carry out our plan okay? as usual, we were the noisiest customers in the restaurant and i think we had scared many guests away and gotten infinite unpleasant glances and stares. our doubts were confirmed when the waiter just said "thank you" to us and not "thank you, please come again". omg!!! WE WERE BLACKLISTED. but, we didnt care!! all we cared about was FUN. the photos, the food and jokes makes me want to go out more with them. please please, mid term tests be over soon and we can meet up again. =)

the pretty photos!!!!


heavenly mussels


my long lost love


nj friends!


kns without peiwen and FAT







i am loving all of them!

tear your face

it is irritating to see everyone going woah when they see you. why are they pretending to be so impressed? what is the big fat issue here! have they forgotten what you had done to them? i can only say they really have a big heart to forget it. too bad, i dont belong to the same category as them. i will never allow myself to forgive you, not to mention to forget it.

stop trying to be nice to repent and amend. have not you taught macbeth? oops! i forgot that someone with such intelligence will never understand arts. what's done cannot be undone. it is finalized! stop trying to be the good person here again and give them hope. i have stop being optimistic about it. my heart is dead. pull off your mask and stop making me disgusted.

i am sick and tired. just want to leave.

roller coaster

it has been a week of high uncertainty for me. I had been suffering from serious anxiety because I do not know if my exchange program will be approved or not. I had to fight against the deadline and this time round, I seriously think it was not entirely my fault that things turned out to be in this way. desperately calling ubc last night, seeking help from jf, running to and fro from fac to fac and from office to office, talking to many different people just to get a peace of mind. worried that if i failed to meet the deadline, everything will be gone just like that. it is just unfair because I know I had done my part to my best ability. it is the others who crippled and destroyed my chance. I will hate myself more if I lose this chance now.

all i need is just assurance. i have been picturing myself there since i accepted the offer. it is just 3 more months and i will be away. i just want someone to tell me that everything is on schedule, nothing will go wrong and i will be sitting happily in the plane soon, waiting to explore a new country. dont spolit this beautiful picture that i have painted in my mind.

so many places

i have so many places that i want to explore and experience before i step into working society permanently. how much am i able to achieve within these 2 years? it seems like a short time but actually it is not. 2 years will come and go even before i fully enjoy myself and ta-da! working life starts then.

at least i am able to visit my good old friend back at canada in a few months' time. the trip will be fun but the preparation part sucks. i am starting to hate the process of getting approval. the procedures are long and draggy. replies are coming in late. when is my green light ever going to come? i thought i was at least making some progress in the exchange program after breakers but now, i have been at the same point for too long. this is sickening!

another opportunity comes knocking on my door. i am not sure if i should take it or not. if i do, my dad will be spending a big bomb and that is definitely not i want to happen. i dont want to live off my parents too much. i will appear to be a spolit brat. damn! but if i dont, when will i take up the offer then? by then, will i be able to free myself from singapore?

and my graduation trip, backpack!!! i am ok with anywhere, preferrably europe. but i definitely want to do backpacking for my graduation trip. please stop me from spending unnecessarily from today onwards. slap me, kick me, punch me to remind me how important cash is to me now.

anger

today is just another screwed up day for me. the whole day started on the wrong note. why on earth would i mess up my tutorial timings? the worst part is i only realized it after i receieved my friend's message to ask me where i was. so in the end, i went for a tutorial with just the questions and did not go to the one which i rushed the questions till 2am. STUPID!!!!!

there is so much anger boiling within me now. i simply cannot understand why others can look at the same matter as me, but have an innocent viewpoint of it. on the other hand, i am digging behind the words and actions to seek truth. are they just plain nice or am i thinking too deep into matters? how i wish all my intepretations have been wrong all this while. at least i can convince myself the world that i am in now is peace loving and friendly.

why am i so not tactful with my words and actions sometimes? i am not the best friend unless you really know me inside out. it is always after i had flared, i realised i was wrong. i should not have done that given under the same situation again. oh my! i just hate this temper of mine for barking at my friends more than once today.

why cant u just stop critising others and reflect on yourself. that little gesture is not going to change much unless you start to do something with this nasty character of yours. if you think it is that easy, do it yourself. dont complain when others are doing your share of workload. you should feel thankful and not critize them. if you are not going to let others feel appreciated, they are going to think twice about helping you again.

it is just so frustrating now. i want to sleep my night away and only wake up on sunday. this week started on a wrong note and this sets the mood for the rest of the week. argHHHH!!!! boil me to get rid of the anger inside me.